Food For Thought

Since none of the candidates ever really tell us their plans in any definite way, and then usually do whatever they want to do in the end, the only way we can realistically take their measure is through their past records, associations and displayed courage.  In the case of Mr. Obama, his current rhetoric, albeit mesmerizing and wishful is not what his past indicates.Let’s take a look:  twenty years of belonging to a church that is, for, by and of Africa; he is close friends with a vocally militant racist; he has not raised so much as a word of mitigation on the diatribes of his so called pastor: none of this speaks of a unifying force.  I am amazed at the number of Americans being taken in by Obama.  We all want the government to change for the better but this man is NOT the one to do it.  He has far too much baggage and far too little experience to unite an increasingly polarized nation, let alone the two diametrically opposed parties that govern us.  

Witness: the divide growing in his own party because of the riff between him and Hillary.  One who would unite would not suffer the division that the Democrats are plagued with right now.  One who would unite would not have listened to the tyrades of Pastor Wright without instigating a campaign to educate and detoxify this man and his congregation.  One who would unite would never call his own grandmother a “typical white person”.  What does he know of typical white persons?  And doesn’t that statement alone suggest a prejudice.  Isn’t it, simply put, profiling?  Or is that okay as long as it’s not an African American or an Arab being profiled.  

It will be a sad day indeed, if Obama is elected President, his loyalties are skewed and murky at best, his decision-making is questionable and his experiences may lead us into another race driven era of hate and division.  Just as Islam professes to be the peaceful religion while institutionalizing war, torture, slavery and the degradation of women, so too do Obama and his handlers profess one thing and provide evidence of another through the documented past actions of Obama himself: $824 Billion dollars earmarked for African charity is his only real achievement in the congress.  The fact that he is where he is proves only one thing, America is desperate for anyone who promises a change in the seriously flawed government we now have.  Obama will bring change, no doubt, but we may be profoundly sorry when that change comes.  Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.

Dedicated To My Good Friend

Guy Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Love is Pain

Love is pain and pain is love. Each at the other extreme, but the reaction to an action that someday we will all question. They say get it out, crying is good, yet I feel like shit. I have come to the point where I do not feel that I know anyone nor do they know me. I know I must take some blame as I only allow a person to get so close, but it comes back to love and pain. Am I the only one that feels this? Am I the only one the hurts? I usually am good at keeping it all hidden and locked inside, but I am to a point where my inners of emotion are erupting such that I feel as if I am loosing my mind. I am at the edge of insanity looking down and ready to take the plunge. Everyone with their advice is comforting knowing they care, but that is not enough. I feel as if I have died inside and am living in a shell of someone I once knew. Blogging was fun sometime ago. Humor, drama, and the in your face reality. I thought I was untouchable. Yet now I feel as a child lost with no direction. I will write when it comes, but the days of old are over folks. I apologize. I tried to continue, but I am spending most of my time trying to keep my sanity. Love is pain and pain is love and can and will break a person down and change their being. That is were I at. I hope one day the old me will return.. You’ll be the first to know.

Peace out

MorM

Anger Managment

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been ! waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale ” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.”
I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen,”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, “Hello.”
I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah,”
He screamed, “Stop calling me,”
I said, “Make me,”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”
I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole,”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,”
I answered! d, “Well , asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work

Here’s Julie!

 

I hang around here at “Boogie Nights” (or, for those of you not in the know, Mike’s place) all day, all night. Sometime he’s here, sometimes he’s at work, raking in the dough that he very obviously uses to bling me out with tacky Kid Rock gear. Either way, that leaves me with a lot of time to myself.

Maybe if you knock on my rock-hard abs you’ll hear an echo, and maybe my lips aren’t warm and soft, but…just because I’m not a squishy human doesn’t mean I don’t feel a desire for entertainment! Come on, how would you feel if you were a woman, with a woman’s needs and a woman’s wants, yet no woman’s body parts (and beside, your fingers don’t really move in a pleasurable way anyway)?

Well, let me tell you: Pretty goddamn bored, okay? They (whoever “they” are, and believe me, “they” have a lot of explaining to do for such annoying quotes as “Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?” and “Patience is a virtue”) say, “A bored person is a boring person,” but I disagree. My opinion on the matter is that a bored person is a person who has no sex, drugs, or rock and roll. Since my orifices aren’t exactly equipped for the sex (or the drugs, for that matter), and my hearing has been a little off since my first header down the stairs (don’t worry, it wasn’t Mike-he’s been taking care of me like he would a baby), I decided to try for some good old-fashioned online entertainment.

So, I whipped out the laptop, plunked it down on the desk, and Googled “online chat rooms.” I clicked on the first hit and entered a screen name, “cutiequin1015.” I was on my way to becoming an Hot Internet Babe.

The first thing I noticed was that the room was full of nothing but frisky conversations! (Which was good, since…well…when you’re a lonely woman, any companionship is nice. Not that I’m a slut or anything. The only people who ever touched me before Mike were virgins or old ladies. It was a very lonely existence)

I was new to this whole “online chatting” world, but I tried my best. I don’t know if I really got it down, though. Maybe you can give me some tips? This was my very first conversation!

sexistud69: hey how r u

cutiequin1015: I’m good, thanks. Bored, though. and a little lonely

sexistud69:do u want me to help with ur lonliness??

cutiequin1015: Yes!! that’s why i’m here!! I never thought you online boys would be so EASY

sexistud69: whoa hey there. i am a MAN thank u very much.

cutiequin1015: hey, didn’t mean to offend. So how would you like to make me less lonely?

sexistud69: i’ll start by taking off my cloths

sexistud69 takes off his cloths, showing u his hard abs and pecs

cutiequin1015: so do I do that now? how do I make it all slanty?

sexistud69: *sigh* u hit the yellow button at the bottom

cutiequin1015 oh okay

cutiequin1015 this is fun

cutiequin1015 takes off her clothes for you, running her hands over her hard perky breasts

sexistud69: whoa wait hard? y r ur tits hard??

cutiequin1015: Well, that’s how they came.

sexistud69: oh u mean you had surgery? thats hot. i like big tits on a thin girl. r u thin?

cutiequin1015: I am exactly a 36-24-36 measurement!

sexistud69: thats hot do u exersize?

cutiequin1015: I couldn’t for a long time, I was missing my legs.

sexistud69: …?

cutiequin1015: But Mike found them and screwed me back together

sexistud69: uh

sexistud69: okay

sexistud69: i’d like to screw u baby

cutiequin1015: No!! I can’t fix holes in this plastic!!

sexistud69: well what would u like me to do to u?

cutiequin1015: If I had a tongue we could tongue kiss, would you like that?

sexistud69 has exited the conversation

cutiequin1015: Hello?

cutiequin1015: Hello?

Farting Etiquette

Why is it wrong or rude to fart?I was in a meeting this week. In this meeting there were about eight or nine others that looked about as interested in this meeting as I was. Who calls a fucking meeting at 7:00 AM? I am tired of hearing “Well it is 7:00 PM in China”. That is who was on the phone in this meeting. As my mind pondered as to this early hour and why the hell are we doing business in China it started! That undeniable pressure beginning to build deep in the bowels. It makes perfect sense to me as normally I would be on the shitter taking my morning dump at this hour, but instead I am here listening to concerns and issues about getting product from Asia and the cost of doing so. “It’s a cost savings,” I say to myself. Then again the pressure, a bubble just churned inside me. I need to release it. Can I sneak it out? Will it stink? Will they know it is me?

I hate situations like this. Why must we have to hold in and endure the pain of what is natural. Why is it that my fart would be offensive? We have come so far in today’s world. When are we going to say it is OK to fart? I know that you all agree with me. Why must people look at you like a maggot because you farted? It is not like one can control his or her bodily functions.

I look at my watch, 7:45. Through watery eyes, I look over at Anthony. Does he have to fart, I wonder. I listen to Chung Chang on the phone. He could fart if he needed to and we would never know. Is farting OK in China I wonder? My cheeks are clenched as I hold back the massive pressure within my crack. I begin to sweat. Elisabeth looks across at me. I must be white or something. I wonder if she knows I need to fart. Maybe she is holding back a wet one as well. 8:00 am. My mouth is bone dry. I have chills. I now can hear the fart churning in my bowels. I wonder if they know. Maybe they think it is my stomach.

Why must we as a nation suffer like this? I would love to be in the isle at the grocery store and just rip one. If it were acceptable, you’d have people say, “Good one”. Instead, if we fart in public we embarrassedly say, “Excuse me” as if we committed a crime. Imagine how liberating it would be to squeeze one out on a bus, or in an elevator.

8:30. I had my chance. Too late. This once harmless fart is now a raging shit I can no longer deny. With my bung puckered, my only concern now is weather or not I can hold out and not shit my pants. That would be offensive! But if I could have just farted when I needed to all of this could have been avoided. I get up. Everyone in the room is now looking at me. Of course, the door is across the room. I make my way toward it, excusing myself as I bump into people and their chairs. Martha looks at me as if to say, “I knew you wouldn’t make it”. I free myself from the anti farting session and make my way down the hallway. I see the place, my freedom. It looks to be miles away. Do I run and risk premature bowel release? No, act like everything is OK. I get to the bathroom. I head for the stall, drop trou, and before I hit the seat, a stream of liquid shit explodes from my anal canal.

I say that we petition to make farting acceptable in this great land. I am sure that the president can fart anytime he wishes and no one says a word. Just once, I would like to be able to fart in a public setting and hold my head high, be proud that I released my butt demons and was not ashamed. Think of a world where farting was the norm. A whole new world of topics and conversations would evolve.

There I sit. Spent, tired and weary. The stench of what started as a harmless fart has ended as a wet soupy mix in the bowl beneath me. I wonder what they are saying in the meeting. I wonder if they are relaying what has occurred to Chung Chang on the phone. I clean up with the pitiful excuse of toilet paper the company provides to wipe my ass with savings, and compose myself for the re-entry into the meeting. I exit the stall and notice the look on the other users faces in the room. A look as if I have somehow violated company policy by shitting such as I did. I go wash my hands and notice how they quickly pee and get out of there. As I wash my hands and look in the mirror amongst the stench that was once a harmless fart, I feel proud. I rise up and push my shoulders back as if I just scored. Yeah, that was me, I think to myself as I strut back up the hallway to my 7:00AM meeting.

I’m Blue

Do you have that one person that will forward you stupid jokes, lucky email chains, Bill Gates giving out cash and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH? Yeah, we all know this person or people. Most times I won’t take the time to open them because I know it’s content is such that I will not find amusing or interesting, or pass along to 100 friends in 10 minutes. However, every now and again when trying to avoid what I get paid for doing, I will pass the time and read these otherwise annoying emails.So the other day I read this email from a family member titled “Who knew”. In it I found many interesting remedies for this that and the other. For example, if I were to drop some Crisco cooking oil into my cat’s ear, it would eliminate ear mites. Cool. Dawn dishwashing soap kills fleas instantly, and I can easily remove a sliver with some Elmer’s glue. The list continued. I can bring a boil to a head for popping action by slapping on some tomato paste over it. And for those pesky urinary tract infections, Alka-Seltzer is the answer. Then I came across one that I was rather interested in. Supposedly, one can get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking their toes in Listerine mouthwash. Who knew? I recently have noticed a bit of fungi around and on my toenails (and those who know me know that in general I hate toes to begin with) and found this for once to be a useful email.

I had company coming over and of course I waited for the last possible moment to hit the grocery store for the last minute items to entertain. Whilst perusing the isles trying not to forget anything, which was inevitable, there on the shelve before me was a big ass bottle of Listerine. Thinking back to the email as well as ahead to later that evening I decided why not. I checked out and headed home. After putting everything away and discovering all of the things I had forgotten, I took a nice hot shower, toweled off and grabbed a plastic container. I poured a drink and sat on the couch with the container before me. I placed my feet into the container and poured the Listerine over my feet until my toes were submerged in the blue liquid. Weather or not it was working, the tingling was refreshing to my feet. About 30 minutes later I figured that ample time had passed and it was time to get into gear and get ready for my company. I toweled off each foot.

That is when I saw it…………….

I sat there completely speechless. Both of my feet, including the toenails were bright blue in color. I took the towel and once again tried to remove the color from my skin. I went straight back to the shower and thought soap was the ticket. All the scrubbing in the world was not going to undo the dye job I had done on my feet. In panic mode, I rushed to the kitchen in search of ANYTHING I thought might de-Smurf my feet (in hindsight, I wish I would have logically thought it through) I tried “Formula 409, “Scrubbing bubbles”, “Lime Away” and even bleach. Nothing.
     As I sat on the table in the ER with my company giggling, I could hear the nurses at their station laughing hysterically, as the doctor before tried his best to keep a straight face as he examined my blue feet which felt like they were on fire. I told him the story. He prescribed me a cream most commonly used for chemical burns, and burns in general. I thought back to the email and made a mental note, forwarded mail is evil and so are the people who send them.

Stir The Pot, Your Opinion Counts!

It is 2008 and already in a short amount of time, many changes have taken place. For example, the company that I would for has virtually blocked every Internet site known to mankind. So where as before we had full reign to roam to our little hearts content, now we are basically restricted to an as needed based sites. How boring. This means there will be no Blogging or reading of Blogs and any other extracurricular exploration for Mike whilst at aforementioned place of employment. Way to go.

 Let’s talk Brittany for a minute (only because I have her in my dead pool this year). Can any of this be for real? Now Dr. Phil is involved? This is better than any reality show to date. Throw in the prego little sister (which is much hotter than Brit) and I am watching. I am really surprised no one has picked this up. Instead we have to settle with “The flavor of love” Dancing with the has been stars” and the very played out, “Survivor”. If Hulk Hogan, Flava Flav, and Gene Simmons can have a show, why not the “Spears”? It might cause some commotion in the trailer park itself, but the entertainment value would be priceless.

Moving right along. Politics. I understand this along with religion is a very touchy subject for most. Well brace yourself because I am going to kill two birds with one stone. Who is the best candidate? It is hard to tell with all of the back and forth, flip-flopping, finger pointing going on. I mean I am not highly impressed with any of them. Right now I think I would make a better candidate than the lot running. I like Hillary only because that would mean Bill was back running the country, and although many despise him, my life was great while he was around and I can relate with him on many issues. Plus I would like to see a chick in charge. I like Edwards and voted for him and Kerry when they won last go around. Then there is Obama. I took this 15 question survey which in the end told you who your top picks should be or which candidate most closely matches your views. Mine came in, Obama, Clinton, Edwards and Juliani. Where he came from I have no clue. I really like Obama despite all of the things they are bringing up from his past. Who hasn’t hit a crack pipe now and again? I may vote for the guy. I am fearful for him however, because I know as I write this there are racists organizations out there already plotting to take him out. But there is another spin lurking in the back of my mind concerning Obama that has nothing to do personally with him (well maybe a little. I am not digging the fact that he will not pledge allegiance to our flag) rather something straight out of the bible. Yes, here we go, hang on. My current beliefs have nothing to do with anything here, but as a child I was raised in a Christian base environment. I have read the Bible cover to cover on several occasions. Every time I see Obama speak, one thing that continues to come to mind is; “He is the Anti Christ”.

So I will leave you with that to ponder, argue and speak out about. I hope Ohio State have their asses handed to them tonight. Stay Tuned!

Miss January